NecromanceR

Monday, May 16, 2005

for the sake of my General Paper, i shall my entry in full proper english. I know that my blogskin does not show my entry title so I shall rewrite it here again. 'Reflections...'

Those who know me from my secondary school years and still keeping close contact with me may perhaps add your comments about me by tagging on my tag board.

I'm doing my reflections on my life thus far so you guys might not want to read it.

After my life as a Crescentian, I moved on to Pioneer Junior College which was not what I actually wanted. For those who knew me really well would know that I desperately wanted to go to a polytechnic to study film and media studies. Unfortunately, I was not supported by any of my family members and so I went to a junior college.

I did regret at certain times of the year for coming to PJC but generally, life was still good for me. However, I did felt certain changes in me that made me feel slightly ashamed, angry and scared of what and whom I may become.

I realised that throughout my stay in Pioneer Junior College, I have been isolating myself. I do remember how easy it was to make friends in Crescent and yet today I'm actually enjoying 'single-hood'. I detest and would try my best to leave the crowd alone. I'm lying to myself each day that I am a sociable person yet I know deep down that I am not. My DISC profile may have said that I'm a 'I' personality but I don't feel this way. I may play a fool but that's does not mean I am a person with 'I' personality. This leads me to another problem; hypocrisy.

Hypocisy, the great big word, is something that lies in the grey region, something that I hate for it is hard to judge if it is right or wrong. Of course, with hypocrisy comes another word; backstabbing. Both are not known to have any positive notations and definately something which I condemned. Yet today, as I'm typing, I'm commiting the crime of hypocrisy. As for backstabbing, my friends told me that if you speak of a fact of another person, it is not considered as backstabbing and I shall take it as what was defined by my friends and hence, by and large, I'm grateful that I have not yet commited the Sin of backstabbing. Here I am, may be complaining about this friend of mine whom I have guard against, yet a fraction of a second later, I'm smiling and laughing with the same friend of mine whom I have just complained. What can I say? As time slips by from my hands, I'm getting more hypocritical and of course i have no wish for this contuation yet when I say the people around me, I could see masks hanging before their real faces and I do not dare to give my heart to these people. It makes me really sad for I wish I was back in Crescent, meeting my friends and talk to them with openness that I no longer dare to do in my college life.

Next, I realised that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I have had this feeling of a lost sheep, knowing what to do. I try to hide my disappointment (both towards my life and my surroundings) yet when I am alone, I can't help but ask what's the use of my insignificant existance? I read somewhere, i can't remember, that everyone on this Earth has it's own meaning and contribution, but to me, I feel that I am just a jack of all trades yet master in none. Just really disappointed with the number of things a soul can change, for it is limited, way too limited. There is so much that I want to do, yet it is all beyond me. Things that I see that is wrong and not supposed to happen had all happened. Things that I wanted so much to have control over, just a little control, life just felt it was not right for me to handle. Okay so I just had to watch as people slowly falls into the hole that I tried very hard to warn others against yet no one would and could see the light i see. All this resulted in 1 failure that I thought I had absolute power over it- Disappointments.

I invented this little phrase, ' too many setbacks resulting in emotional scars'. At last, this is true. I remembered that I started shutting everyone out of my little radius of communication when I was disappointed with those people. As I grew older, I thought I would be more responsible and will not do such a thing any more. Yet, I'm doing it once more. I'm just entirely tired and sick of all the decisions that I had make and so, I'm washing my hands of everything. Just let them do what they want, I don't want to care any more. I have learnt the hard way about trusting people and decided that I shall not trust anyone anymore. It hurts and pains me to know that the people that I love most are the ones who hurt me most. Running away from the problem may seem to be irresponsible but I don't dare to face it. Don't even dare to think about it. I started to wonder if I should be like people living in the past and blame it all on Fate and Destiny. I know I'm whining like a spolit child yet I can't help it. Perhaps it is just me that I may know where my problem lies, but refuse to act on it. Then again, even I myself do not know the real me, who can I hope to know what lies in me? I'm just too heartless I guess, cold to care about others and stop my whining.

I wanted very much to laugh. Yet all that surrounds me when I'm alone in the dark corner is just saddness, perhaps more loneliness. Just like the others who are emotionally hurt, nightmares will haunt in the dark night. The irony, darkness is my only true friend for I can't see the ugly side of me, the side which I hoped never exist. Maybe I'm thinking too much, I think even when I am sleeping. The nightmares will stop, definately, when Death finally comes for me and like a knight with a shining armour, he will rescue me from the psychological torment I am going through each day. I have stopped crying, for my tears are dried and heart bled till there was no blood left. My heart breaks knowing that you don't care about me, at all.

Nil posted 10:37 PM

am i still alive?

necromancer

taggies @ the bottom! feel free to leave me a note

AboUt ME!!!

I'm a MartiaN living on Earth hence, my nick MOE! been here for 19 years nw, Earthling lifestyle suits me fine... main obj. on Earth is to learn all abt the species call Humans... and of course how to get along well with them... Have Earthling parents, and an Earthling sister who's a pain in e neck... Love my life here, 6 years of a pri. sch girl at Fuhua, 4 Yeas to call myself a CrEsCenTiAn, 2 years to PJC and another 3-4 years to come to b a NUS student... haha... Looking at what more this Earth can give this poor old martian... lolx...

Nata's loves

Nata has lotsa loves... haha... Nata loves to eat, drink and slp.... Reading comics is one of her fav. past time, nt forgetting being online... loves to hang out at GAS HAUS loCaTeD at MIDDLE RD wif Glen, Rach, Jon, Ben... Loves all her Frens esp. GlendA, JuliEt, Tse-Tse Fly, Phy, WakeY, Rach Lam, Connie, Ivy, Eddie, Gerald, Kee Onn, Robert... Loves all her Brothers: Shi Yang, Jeremy, Jonathan, Linus, Edward, John, Joseph Love her eye candy: Hong Seng... Love music by Jay Chou, Jacky Cheung, Zhang Xin Zhe.... Love her N6131... and... MOSt of ALL... Nata love her dear... Uncle Ben... :P

Taggies

my LINKS!

x TseTse
x Wakey x Grubbot x belle x Farhmi x Janna x RY lover x syifaa x ling x phyllis x Ah-lam x kuan Yong x Edna x Byron x Li Yi x Geraldine x Lele x valerie

credits

faded
anime visions
project zero
breaking benjamin
blogskins
blogger

Monday, May 16, 2005

necromancer

Taggies

my LINKS!

archives

credits