Tuesday, March 27, 2007
this is a post in which i hate myself again...
[Ben and I]
I hardly tot about ben n i on my blog...
din wan him to accidentally read it...
but den again... dun tink he ever vists my blog so...
here goes watever that's in my heart for qutie sometime...
first... there are problems between Ben and I...
it's really amazing that we are still tgt till now...
guess it's due to me unable to let go...
plus all the reasoning that Linus and Steven has being helping me to see...
frankly speaking... i think i'm not suited to be in a relationship...
I onli bring harm to my other half... that's wat i feel...
nv good enough for anyone... and too selfish anyway...
I'm too childish when facing a relationship... serious... or that's what i feel...
I always wanted to tell ben about my true feelings...
but ended up i din... told him the surface problem between he and I
but always failed to mentioned the real thing that bugs me...
I feel that if i told him wat bugs me, it's gonna sound very childish...
Linus say i shld tot it out wif him so he can guage if it's childish...
but i juz can't bring myself to say it...
Steven juz say that if i'm happy being wif ben den dun worry so much...
when it's time to let go... juz let it go...
I wish i cld juz do that... i guess it's not me to be so cool...
Letting go when it's time to...
being wif ben... it's both happiness and sadness...
It's always nice to haf someone who cares about u...
but it juz feels so wrong with me when I juz can't trust him...
whenever he tells me his going away for the wkend to M'sia wif his frens...
my heart starts worrying... i wld start wondering if he wld ever betray me...
Glen told me I shld juz get out of the stupid shadow of betrayal...
but for some unknown reason I can't... I juz can't do it...
perhaps it's easier to live in e shadows... giving me a gd reason for not trusting him... his truthfulness to me is not helping... juz can't forget the past i guess...
mayb i've been watching too much soap operas... believing that every good man on this earth is close to extinction...
When Ben went for 1 wk trip to M'sia... I knew we had serious problems because i can't stop worrying wat he wld do there w/o me... plus linus and his joking remarks then were not helping... in the end... I cried on the way back home... I noe ben and I won't last... not when i keep having this worrying feeling in my heart... it hurts... which made me wonder why should we stay together?
I feel that Ben n i are worlds apart...
our thinking are all different...
wat i wld expect him to do...
he doesn't do it... of course... the things I wanted him to do realli makes me feel childish when I'm upset that he din do it...
I wanted him to send me home frm IT show the last wk
coz I was having my period, 2nd day... Bloody bad back aches...
n think coz IT show too loud or wat... I was feeling fainty (NOT DUE TO LOST OF BLOOD) and had ghastly look in the afternoon... I was hoping he wld come send me home so at least I cld seek comfort from him) Asked Ben if he was coming (din tell him I was fainty... he just knew abt the backaches) he said no coz he was tired... I really wanted him to come but he was tired so I tried telling myself dat... but nevertheless I was disappointed... I AM BEING CHILDISH!
on the 3rd day of IT show... I was super tired... den he told me dat he's going to M'sia wif his frens to eat seafood so he won't come to send me home... I was upset again... another childish act... I'm being so childish dat I feel so frustrated about myself...
Guilt... Guilt in our relationship is suffocating me...
Guilt that derives frrom hiding this relationship fr mum...
Guilt for spending so much of Ben's money...
Guilt that coz of the two above... which makes me feel like some kinda mistress...
Taking Ben's money... esp. so when I leave his house at nite... taking cab back alone... it makes me feel like I'm some kinda of mistress or worse...
Guilt that I can't tell him my real feelings...
Guilt of knowing that he dotes on me yet I can do nothing for him...
Guilt that come frm him, giving into me most of the time...
Guilt that comes frm the fact I couldn't trust him completely..
Guilt that comes frm knowing that he deserves someone better...
It's suffocating me... and though he tries hard to give me security...
there's none I felt... Nothing at all... I'm juz so insecure...
Juz feel that we'll nv meant to be...
wanted to gif up but juz can't let go...
I noe we can't nv understand each other... Never...
Nil posted 2:10 AM
am i still alive?
Friday, March 23, 2007
ever since this sem started, I think i'm getting more and more bimbotic.... lolx...
my brains since to have disappear... lolx... oh ya...
current location... LT 12... NM lecture... i must remind myself that i nid to study for my jap tutorial later...
haha... yesterday Takeda sensei picked me out from the crowd... super happy... i love Takeda sensei...
haha... he's so 'charming' haha... i juz love his sense of humour.... lolx... and most importantly he REMEMBERs me!!!
lolx... I love takeda sensei... Jap's getting difficult.... Malay??? NO HOPE Le!!!! just had my malay test the day before... lolx...
guess wat... i totally dun understand what the test is all about... damned... lolx.... i can onli say... SAYA DAK FAHAAM BEHASA MELAYU... lolx.... watashi wa nihongo ga wakarimasu :) lolx.... ok....
btw... my lecturer juz shock us by saying 'let's dicuss about CYBER SEX now.' (she meant cyber space) lolx...
ok... have anyone seen the recent issue of FHM????? i tink it sucks... totally.... e GNDs??? onli 2 are pretty lor...
can't believe i actually paid 6 bucks to read it... but at least I get to see Miss Malaysian... she's HOT!!! i love her! lolx...
21st April... Fuhua Primary School is have class 1999 reunion.... interested individuals u can leave me a note at my tag board...
lolx... We are having a dinner at Giraffe... and mayb later clubbing... so Ex-Fuhua students... pls pls turn up... lolx...
ok... the guy beside me is corny... trying to seek attention frm my lecturer... he's using K800i and taking a photo...
he's smart to make sure there's no sound (the camera snap sound) but not smart enough to OFF the FLASH! in the end... hahah... sudden... the LT is light up wif lightning like FLASH! lolx... *sighs* why do i have a group mate like him????
Reminded me... shall introduce my goup mates... Just now that smart guy... he's name is Jia Tao... the world's so small... i see him in both my NM lectures... n i tot he's the bf of my TA klass girl... lolx...
Next... Jovian... He's scary... first look... u tot that his a decent guy... but den... lolx.. he's the no. guy who use F*** during our meeting... lolx.. we always tease him wif Matilhda... lolx... but they do seem to be a sweet couple tgt... lolx... which reminds me... the guys in my Gp... They are super corrupted... girls and girls... side dishes and side dishes... Porn and more Porn... though Jia tao says it's very shallow... but my guess is he's the no. one Porn fan... indulge in Porn... lolx... mayb Sim Lim has polluted my brain long ago... so it's not surprising... when SLS... guys practically keeps porn in their handfones... lolx
Next.. Matildha... mayb I scared her... she tinks i'm lesbian... lolx... haha... but den again... Everyone thinks i'm bi rite??? lolx... in the end... i showed her dear and my photo to set her heart at ease.... haha... but i must say.... i like mat... she's got something... i dun noe wat... but she's lyk so... lolx... if i'm a guy... i sure date her... lolx...
last and not least... Att... he's basically nice... weird sense of humour... lolx... he works at Funan.... another computer expert other den Jovian... lolx... he's got a reali nice mother-in-law who gave him 250 EUROS for new year... why can't i have a mother-in-law like his???? lolx... mayb I shld travel to Europe and hook up some cute European hunks... lolx... dun tink they'll think i'm fat since western pple are all big size ya... lolx... yay!!! haha...
dat's all now... my bladder's full and cant tink... wonder when the lecturer;s gonna gif us a break.... nid the loo... being trying to Ren for the last 30mins... pls... pls.. hurry up... n pls notice how stupid i'm getting.... I forgot the spoon when I bought my mash potato... :( hungry
Nil posted 12:15 PM
am i still alive?
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
haven been blogging... why?
Busy @ sch... lolx...
first time in Natalie's life...
I'm actually busy... lolx...
Juz finished my presentation last fri...
was a close one... lolx...
supposed to be 2 wks work but we somehow manage to do it within 3 days...
lolx... lotsa test... haha... feel quite happy actually abt my NM2219's test...
din get a super good results... but it's ok for me... lolx... for a day's hardwork got 84/100... 50 mcqs... which means I got 7 wrong... lolx... well... my fren got better... his cool 98/100... 1 wrong answer.... POWER!!! lolx... His doing much better than me... lolx... his reaction paper (essay)... he got 83/100... i got only 70/100... lolx... still ok... at least din fail... lolx... i sure hope so... malay test is coming... TML!!!! but i'm totally unprepared for it... why???
I dunno how to start... rather lost in malay klass... lolx... I'm like so screwed!!!!
i just finished my Jap test last wk... HOrrIble! the listening test was like totally screwed up... they read in perfectly good japanese and very fast like japanese... the whole LT was like... 'Wow, did you heard what they said?' coz almost everyone cldn't catch it... me too... totally so screwed... lolx... hahah... looks like i'm still far frm 4As and 1 B+... lolx... last wk... project proposal got rejected by my prof and we had a heart to heart talk for abt an hr... totally crushed by his words... his comments were harsh... but nevertheless helpful... at least we know how to do the next step and trying real hard to salvage it.... lolx... our poor rejected proposal... lolx... still got NM2219 project which i haven even started... damned... lolx... looks like a busy sem for me... lolx.. i'm typing super loudly in the lib... annoying everyone sitting next to me... lolx... trying to see if my speed is fast enough... unfortunately... the girl beside me... haha... she's much faster than i am... lolx... scary.... it's like super fast.. lolx... mayb 100 wpm? lolx.... dunno la... day after tml working at IT fair... money!!!! lolx... after this wk... i'm so gonna buck up... start studying real hard le... start reading and making notes le... lolx... i hope to at least save my grades.... lolx... :) phy... all the best for ur trip and may you win a medal... we shall start our studying next thur... lolx... MugGeRs RuLz!!!! and pls remind me not to spend so much time playing... which reminds me..
I went to watch Pursuit of HappYness wif dear yesterday....
it's a nice movie... 120 mins... lolx... it's really good coz it teaches u not to give up on life... even though the main character was having really bad times that he even cried... but then... he held on... so.. in the end, he succeeded...
Guess wat they trying to say is NOT u hold on n u'll definately succeed...
BUT... even when life seems so bleak, hold on... there sure be a bright road ahead...
so i guess though studying is stressing everyone out... but hold on... and the bright road comes on the day u get ur results :) no matter if they are good or bad... they tell you... it's time to rest... coz it's HOLIDAYS after the exams!!! lolx.... well... i wanna go taiwan... lolx... thinking of going to Taiwan wif dear to celebrate our 1 yr... haha... that wld be in July and that's if we are still tgt... lolx...
Dear completely forgot abt our anniversary on 1st march... seems like only if i msg him or drop him hints den he can remember :(
Nil posted 11:14 AM
am i still alive?
