NecromanceR

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

this is a post in which i hate myself again...

[Ben and I]
I hardly tot about ben n i on my blog...
din wan him to accidentally read it...
but den again... dun tink he ever vists my blog so...
here goes watever that's in my heart for qutie sometime...

first... there are problems between Ben and I...
it's really amazing that we are still tgt till now...
guess it's due to me unable to let go...
plus all the reasoning that Linus and Steven has being helping me to see...

frankly speaking... i think i'm not suited to be in a relationship...
I onli bring harm to my other half... that's wat i feel...
nv good enough for anyone... and too selfish anyway...
I'm too childish when facing a relationship... serious... or that's what i feel...

I always wanted to tell ben about my true feelings...
but ended up i din... told him the surface problem between he and I
but always failed to mentioned the real thing that bugs me...
I feel that if i told him wat bugs me, it's gonna sound very childish...
Linus say i shld tot it out wif him so he can guage if it's childish...
but i juz can't bring myself to say it...

Steven juz say that if i'm happy being wif ben den dun worry so much...
when it's time to let go... juz let it go...

I wish i cld juz do that... i guess it's not me to be so cool...
Letting go when it's time to...
being wif ben... it's both happiness and sadness...
It's always nice to haf someone who cares about u...
but it juz feels so wrong with me when I juz can't trust him...
whenever he tells me his going away for the wkend to M'sia wif his frens...
my heart starts worrying... i wld start wondering if he wld ever betray me...
Glen told me I shld juz get out of the stupid shadow of betrayal...
but for some unknown reason I can't... I juz can't do it...
perhaps it's easier to live in e shadows... giving me a gd reason for not trusting him... his truthfulness to me is not helping... juz can't forget the past i guess...
mayb i've been watching too much soap operas... believing that every good man on this earth is close to extinction...

When Ben went for 1 wk trip to M'sia... I knew we had serious problems because i can't stop worrying wat he wld do there w/o me... plus linus and his joking remarks then were not helping... in the end... I cried on the way back home... I noe ben and I won't last... not when i keep having this worrying feeling in my heart... it hurts... which made me wonder why should we stay together?

I feel that Ben n i are worlds apart...
our thinking are all different...
wat i wld expect him to do...
he doesn't do it... of course... the things I wanted him to do realli makes me feel childish when I'm upset that he din do it...

I wanted him to send me home frm IT show the last wk
coz I was having my period, 2nd day... Bloody bad back aches...
n think coz IT show too loud or wat... I was feeling fainty (NOT DUE TO LOST OF BLOOD) and had ghastly look in the afternoon... I was hoping he wld come send me home so at least I cld seek comfort from him) Asked Ben if he was coming (din tell him I was fainty... he just knew abt the backaches) he said no coz he was tired... I really wanted him to come but he was tired so I tried telling myself dat... but nevertheless I was disappointed... I AM BEING CHILDISH!

on the 3rd day of IT show... I was super tired... den he told me dat he's going to M'sia wif his frens to eat seafood so he won't come to send me home... I was upset again... another childish act... I'm being so childish dat I feel so frustrated about myself...

Guilt... Guilt in our relationship is suffocating me...
Guilt that derives frrom hiding this relationship fr mum...
Guilt for spending so much of Ben's money...
Guilt that coz of the two above... which makes me feel like some kinda mistress...
Taking Ben's money... esp. so when I leave his house at nite... taking cab back alone... it makes me feel like I'm some kinda of mistress or worse...
Guilt that I can't tell him my real feelings...
Guilt of knowing that he dotes on me yet I can do nothing for him...
Guilt that come frm him, giving into me most of the time...
Guilt that comes frm the fact I couldn't trust him completely..
Guilt that comes frm knowing that he deserves someone better...
It's suffocating me... and though he tries hard to give me security...
there's none I felt... Nothing at all... I'm juz so insecure...
Juz feel that we'll nv meant to be...
wanted to gif up but juz can't let go...

I noe we can't nv understand each other... Never...

Nil posted 2:10 AM

am i still alive?

necromancer

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AboUt ME!!!

I'm a MartiaN living on Earth hence, my nick MOE! been here for 19 years nw, Earthling lifestyle suits me fine... main obj. on Earth is to learn all abt the species call Humans... and of course how to get along well with them... Have Earthling parents, and an Earthling sister who's a pain in e neck... Love my life here, 6 years of a pri. sch girl at Fuhua, 4 Yeas to call myself a CrEsCenTiAn, 2 years to PJC and another 3-4 years to come to b a NUS student... haha... Looking at what more this Earth can give this poor old martian... lolx...

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Nata has lotsa loves... haha... Nata loves to eat, drink and slp.... Reading comics is one of her fav. past time, nt forgetting being online... loves to hang out at GAS HAUS loCaTeD at MIDDLE RD wif Glen, Rach, Jon, Ben... Loves all her Frens esp. GlendA, JuliEt, Tse-Tse Fly, Phy, WakeY, Rach Lam, Connie, Ivy, Eddie, Gerald, Kee Onn, Robert... Loves all her Brothers: Shi Yang, Jeremy, Jonathan, Linus, Edward, John, Joseph Love her eye candy: Hong Seng... Love music by Jay Chou, Jacky Cheung, Zhang Xin Zhe.... Love her N6131... and... MOSt of ALL... Nata love her dear... Uncle Ben... :P

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

necromancer

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